Can You Spot The Fakes Among These 8 Job Titles?

1. Professional Cuddler

Do you always hold on just a little too long after a hug? Well, what if I told you there are people who would pay you for that kind of attention instead of pulling away awkwardly like your friends and family do? Professional cuddlers must be “kind, caring, understanding” and basically willing to just snuggle up and chit-chat.

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2. Professional Mourner

Lying, faking tears, and feigning grief are usually the qualities of a manipulative sociopath…but they’re also the basic requirements for becoming a professional mourner! Maybe you’re an out of work actor, maybe you love comforting people in their time of need, maybe you just cry all day anyway so you may as well get paid for it – whatever your circumstance, posing as a grieving friend of the deceased can make them look more popular, and help other attendees process their grief. Hey, it’s a living!

3. Professional Toilet Seat Warmer

Waking up in the morning is hard enough without dealing with the harsh reality of a cold toilet seat. There’s got to be a better way! If you can relate to this struggle, you’ll surely warm up pretty quickly to the idea of a Professional Toilet Seat Warmer. This role simply requires someone to sit on your toilet and keep it nice and toasty until you’re ready to take the throne.

4. Pet Food Taster

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who recoil at the scent of the canned ends, bits, and mushy slop intended for dogs – and those who would do just about anything for a buck. You know, the kind of person who’s always saying, “I’ll do it if you dare me” even though no one is daring anyone and hasn’t since you were all like nine years old? They need to know about this job ASAP. In seriousness, this is a legit job that actually ensures quality meals for your fur babies (and you get to spit the food out after tasting it, for what it’s worth).

5. Paper Towel Sniffer

Have you ever sniffed a clean, dry paper towel and been like, “ew”? Probably not, and that doesn’t happen by accident. Someone painstakingly sniffs countless paper towels to ensure your countertops, hands, children, and other objects in need of a clean-up don’t get accosted by a stinky swipe. Have you got what it takes to sniff out a dud?

6. Sunglasses Locator

Millions of people are afflicted with the horrible misfortune of losing countless pairs of sunglasses each year. At a friend’s house, concerts, that spot in your car you juuust can’t reach – sunglasses disappear all the time, and the cost of replacing them can become unwieldy. Enter your Sunglasses Locator. They can find your favorite pair anytime, anywhere.

7. Face Feeler

In this role, you’ll test the efficacy of lotions, balms, creams, and other products used on the skin by literally rubbing your hands all over the face of a person who’s just used them. Note: any Silence of the Lambs jokes are grounds for immediate firing.

8. Anti-Procrastination Specialist

When you’re a kid, there’s always someone there to make you do the stuff you don’t want to do. Whether it’s your parents, teacher, older sibling – someone was around to make you wake up on time, clean your room, and put on pants. This is no way prepared us for an adulthood in which we are left alone to do (or, not do) whatever we want. If you love pushing people around and your favorite phrase is ‘I told you so,” the Anti-Procrastination Specialist role might be the job for you.

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Kylie Anderson is an L.A.-based writer who covered employment trends for the ZipRecruiter blog.

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