Tired of sitting behind a desk or cash-register all day? Here are ten awesome jobs that are way cooler than your regular 9 to 5.
1. Fright Fest Street Scare-Actor
Being scary is not a commonly desired trait, neither among job seekers nor functional members of society. But where does that leave the naturally scary among us, striking unintentional fear regularly and doomed to walk the Earth alone and unemployed? Well, fear no more scarers of America – the Fright Fest Scare-Actor role is may just be your dream (or, nightmare) job. In this role, you will be “in character at all times and be constantly interacting or scaring guests” at a Halloween-season theme park, using your innate talents to their fullest and finally receiving the creep appreciation you deserve. Just make sure you don’t work too hard, the ad asks that you do not “excessively scare a single guest or group to the exclusion of other guests, or guests under 12,” but this should be no problem for any qualified scare professional. If you’re just scare-curious, don’t be discouraged from applying – the theme park offers costumes and makeup for the right candidate.
2. Starter Culture Cheese Scientist
Are you a microbiologist with a love of coagulated milk proteins? That means ‘cheese’ for all you laymen reading – but anyone qualified for the prestigious role of Starter Culture Cheese Scientist surely recognized the scientific description immediately. In this strategic role, you’ll get to perform tasks such as, “troubleshooting and correcting culture inconsistencies,” “using established techniques to select, screen, develop, and maintain new and current cultures,” and “keeping current on all developing technologies and items related to starter culture and general microbiology.” Sorry, let me break that down again for our non-scientists: in this role, you’ll look after the cheese, care for the cheese, and raise the cheese as your own with the most up-to-date cheese technologies available. You will be responsible for the cheese in its first phase of life, a highly impressionable time for the dairy derivative. You have a PhD and you get to make cheese. Need I say more?
3. Creative Arts Therapist
Art therapy can be an important tool in understanding psychology, and as a Creative Art Therapist you will have the opportunity to help patients by helping them interpret their work to better understand themselves. If you hold a Master’s Degree in Creative Arts Therapy or Therapeutic Recreation and can manage patient stresses as well as bring new meaning to multidisciplinary excellence, consider a career in this fulfilling role.
4. Indonesian Language Role Player
Are you an actor that’s had enough of the glamour of theatre, the fame of film? Do you just want to pour yourself into a character without interruptions to your craft from pushy directors or adoring fans? Do you speak Indonesian?
Get your cover letter ready for the role of a lifetime.
As an Indonesian Language Role Player, you’ll play one of several roles of various indigenous people in a realistic village erected on a military training site. Your motivation: convincingly recreate the familial, political, religious, cultural and economic relationships reflected in the applicable community to support the situational training exercises of the U.S. military. You’ll do heavy improvisation, method acting, be in character for nine hours a day, and serve your nation.
5. Bird Removal Technician
Imagine you are in a Costco Wholesale store, buying fruit, toilet paper, vitamins and other household goods in bulk. You look up toward the uncovered beams that support the giant warehouse ceiling and see half a dozen pigeons flitting about the rafters. “It can’t be sanitary,” you think as you lean to cover the crate of peaches in your cart from potential bird debris, “but who can remove these creatures quickly and safely?”
Enter the Bird Removal Technician. This job ad begins, “Looking for some excitement? Some adventure? Ever wonder if the phrase, “Find a job you are passionate about and you never have to work another day in your life” could ever apply to you? If you love the adrenaline rush from the thrill of the hunt, fierce competition or the challenge of someone saying “it can’t be done” then your dream job may have just found you!” Intrigued? Of course you are. This position is described as, “specializing in the guaranteed live capture and relocation of wild birds trapped inside of commercial facilities,” but is clearly so much more. The Bird Removal Technician does not simply remove birds. They remove doubt, they remove fear, they remove the threat of getting crapped on inside a commercial building.
6. Chess/Lego/Magic Coach
Do you like chess, Legos, and magic tricks? Are you available from 2pm-5pm on weekdays?
Do you want to hang out, because you sound awesome! Just kidding, I’m busy then.
Instead, you could work as a Chess/Lego/Magic Coach for elementary aged children after school! According to the ad, all you need other than a basic knowledge of the aforementioned sweet skills is an energetic and fun personality that allows you inspire children, reliable transportation, and a clean record. Not only does this job sound like a great time (and awesome opportunity to try out your magic tricks on one of the few demographics that is actually amazed by them) it’s also an opportunity to subtly sneak in some life skills kids might miss during a long, arduous day of elementary school. Impart wisdom, impact lives, do magic, apply now.
7. Confined Space Attendant
Have you ever felt like the ‘lookout’ in your group of friends? You know, the one that nervously says they’ll ‘wait outside’ when everyone else is exploring a cave or breaking into a haunted house? If you answered yes, you may want to consider a career as a Confined Space Attendant. All you need to apply is a knowledge of the possible behavioral effects of hazard exposure in confined spaces, potential ventilation hazards and evacuation procedures, and the ability to lift 60lbs regularly. In this role, you will be the gatekeeper, unflappable watchman, and sole hero of a to-be-determined small space. Being a lookout might seem like the easy way out in the movies, a role chosen by the weakest link of a ragtag crew – but Confined Space Attendants know different. This is the perfect opportunity to take pride in the time-honored pastime of lookout-ing.*
*Author’s note: claustrophobes strongly discouraged from applying.
8. Doll Hair Stylist
When I was six years old I decided my favorite doll needed to update her look, and I gave her a shag haircut. Because I was using craft scissors and had a limited knowledge of haircuts as well as how to do most things, I ruined her. Unable to bear the sight of her and fearing retribution from my mother I buried the doll in the backyard, where she was later chewed to painted plastic bits by our family dog.
How can you help to prevent another tragic end like the one I met? Become a Doll Hair Stylist! In this role you will have the opportunity to make dreams come true by combing, braiding, and pampering a doll’s precious locks the way stubby, uncoordinated children’s fingers simply cannot. A Doll Hair Stylist must be flexible, great with kids, interminably cheerful. Serve your community by protecting dolls everywhere from bad-hair-days and craft scissors.
9. Boat Captain – 100 Ton Master
In this role, you’ll get to drive a freakin’ boat. Of course, day-to-day work is nuanced and requires attention to crew and passenger safety and comfort, completion of scheduled events, last minute appearances at occasions like birthdays and weddings, being the king of the sea, wearing a cool hat, etc. Do you want to be your own boss and host parties on a boat for a living? Get your 100 Ton Coast Guard License and apply.
10. Nesquik Costume Character
There are few respectable rabbits in pop culture. The Trix Rabbit literally follows around young children trying to steal their food, Bugs Bunny shows no remorse after repeated murder attempts, and the Energizer Bunny is just a show off. Who is the humble, unsung hero of this cartoon species, whose only objective is to deliver chocolate milk to the world’s children – and the young at heart? Most know him merely as the Nesquik Bunny, but this champion has a name. Quiky. Who wouldn’t want the chance to do the Quiky legacy justice as the official Nesquik Bunny mascot? Requirements for donning the bunny ears and hopping around corporate events include strong leadership skills, a passion for event marketing, and being a “catalyst of fun.” You get to dress up like a bunny and make a bunch of people in suits laugh.
For $20 an hour.
